Let’s get the obvious pun out of the way: the only thing great about The Great Wall is its title (I can feel rimshot artists the world over suddenly face-palming). Nevertheless, the painful pun speaks the truth – The Great Wall fails extraordinarily and no amount of CG spectacle, star power, or attributed controversy can amount to anything more interesting than this cliche-ridden, blaring waste of time can hope for.
[Minor Spoilers Ahead] In Ancient China, land of myth, legend, and Technicolor armies, two Western mercenaries (Matt Damon and Pedro Pascal) searching for Chinese black powder stumble upon a world-threatening secret – that the Great Wall was built to defend against a giant lizard army that ravages the land every 60 years. Their only hope to defeat them is by harnessing the power of magnets (their only weakness) before they envelop the entire Empire! Apparently, those colorful alphabet magnets on your fridge can be used as lethal weapons in the rare case that a lizard hoard raids your kitchen.
As ludicrous as it sounds, The Great Wall would have been an optimal candidate for ridiculous fun if it wasn’t so plodding and trope-dependent. Almost every cliche in the book is played to full extent as a substitute for genuine character development or drama: the slow clap; the second act misunderstanding; the last minute heroic return; the lone screeching messenger rushing through hundreds of troops; the cowardly ruler; the superlative archer that never misses until the plot demands it; the indecisive bomb that doesn’t quite go off when expected; and, to my torment, the “I didn’t sign up for this” rebuke – just to name a few! Worse still, they are all played so banally and lifelessly only to further heighten their chronic stupidity.
To claim Matt Damon as wooden would be an understatement. Here he makes Keanu Reeves‘ much-maligned stiff performance in The Matrix a Shakespearean marvel by comparison, sunglasses and all. To be fair, it’s not entirely Damon’s fault. He’s solely there to display a recognizable name on the marquee. The real star of The Great Wall is the spectacle – a Chinese Transformers, only with lizard monsters and more volatile explosions than one would expect from a period piece! These aren’t characters: they’re cliche vessels in service of the special effects. It’s not as insulting to one’s intelligence as it is anesthetizing in its monotony.
Heck, even the editing is headache inducing, not to mention at times nonsensical. One early scene, for example, has Damon and Pascal who, after a guard preposterously loses the key to their jail cell, are placed on the front lines of an upcoming battle. Crouched down and tied up behind the wall, they witness Jing Tian and her acrobatic, bungee-jumping female warriors fight off the attacking lizard monsters despite the fact that they logically wouldn’t be able to see a damn thing from their particular vantage point!
Even so, there are a few positives that happen to peak through this rubble heap of a motion picture. Pedro Pascal is as charming and enjoyable as he was on Game of Thrones, giving a little life to the surrounding blandness. The art direction and color contrast is also quite impressive with a third act battle in a stained glass tower imbuing a kaleidoscopic mix of tones that almost solely heightens an otherwise insipid finale.
Lone positives aside, everything else is a lost cause – even the great Willem Dafoe who is thoroughly wasted here playing a character who has been plotting for 25 years to be a consummate idiot. The rest of the all-Chinese cast suffer similar fates with Jing Tian and Andy Lau given almost nothing to showcase their talents to a Western audience.
Speaking of Western audiences, I guess it’s time to address the elephant in the room – the accusations of whitewashing. After months of outrage since the first trailer debuted, many have criticized The Great Wall as yet another example of Hollywood whitewashing along with other recent films such as Doctor Strange and the upcoming Ghost in the Shell (ironically, many of these accusers are the same ones who admonished others for having negative reactions to the Ghostbusters trailer, claiming that such allegations shouldn’t be made based solely on a trailer!).
While whitewashing is a serious issue and one that should be addressed, The Great Wall, in my opinion, is a poor example for such outrage, specifically as this isn’t a standard Western production. Rather, it’s a film that is primarily funded, produced, and helmed by the Chinese film industry, with many reports listing it as the most expensive Chinese film ever produced as well as featuring one of the largest Chinese casts ever assembled. The Western characters here aren’t white saviors – they are thieves, liars, and killers who, when they aren’t being humiliated or captured, have to learn to adapt, repent, trust, and find common ground with their Asian counterparts. Sure, the “moral” is ham-fisted and presented with the subtly of a nearby exploding lizard monster, but the overall intent isn’t as malicious or short-sighted as the controversy would suggest.
All in all, The Great Wall is a tremendous mess despite a valiant attempt to broaden Chinese culture to a larger audience. Hell, a straight forward documentary about the building and impact of the Great Wall itself would have been far more interesting and engrossing – even if they were to show it brick by brick! I truly hope this isn’t the beginning a strange fantasy trend focusing on world landmarks. I can’t help but imagine a spiritual counterpart where the Statue of Liberty was built to fend off giant bat monsters with a torch flame thrower!
