There are few jobs more maniacally frustrating than retail – especially in the wireless industry! Acquainting millions of employees to new, wondrous habits such as liberally excessive cologne/perfume application, hair product delusion, and tobacco product consumption, wireless retail can be the nadir of stress for many.

For three years I suffered persevered as the general manager of a small AT&T franchise store. Other than my wits, the real victims were my feet after having to stand all day in dress shoes because, God forbid, a customer somehow got outraged at a salesperson for wearing sneakers. To this day I can’t quite comprehend why wearing sneakers in retail is analogous to cursing at customers while playing death metal – you’d get sent home either way. “I was about to start a new family plan with 5 iPhones and all the accessories but then I saw that you were wearing Nikes,” is a sentence you will never hear without the influence of an illegal substance.

The sweet forbidden fruit of the wireless retail industry.
The sweet forbidden fruit of the wireless retail industry.

On the other hand, the sentences you would hear could be equally, if not more, perplexing. I could never quite get used to the insanity of some of the questions or statements people made there, such as:

1. So if I give you my [insert random antiquated flip phone here], can you get me the latest iPhone for free?

2. Why the hell can’t I pay my Verizon bill here? Aren’t you all really the same shit anyway?

3. CUSTOMER: This is an AT&T store, right?

ME: [As I stand there wearing an AT&T shirt surrounded by AT&T fliers, banners, video displays, etc.] God, I hope so.

4. CUSTOMER: I want to buy a new phone but not one of them smartphones. They’re too complicated.

ME: Well we still have a small selection of flip phones over here.

CUSTOMER: Perfect. Can they take high quality pictures?

ME: Not really.

CUSTOMER: How about 4G Internet?

ME: This is really primarily a phone.

CUSTOMER: Oh. How many “jigs” of music can I store?

ME: It sounds to me like you really should look at a smartphone.

CUSTOMER: I don’t want no damn smartphone! Can it play “Hungry Birds?”

Hungry Birds?
Hungry Birds?

5. So if I got home Internet installed, can I take the modem with me to the grocery store so I can get online?

6. CUSTOMER: Can you guys fix my broken television?

ME: No sir.

CUSTOMER: But I’ve got your TV service!

7. Do you guys sell discount tires?

8. CUSTOMER: My phone’s not working.

ME: It’s because it’s not charged sir.

CUSTOMER: You mean I’ve got to plug these damn things in?! To hell with AT&T! I’m going to MetroPCS!

9. CUSTOMER: I want to return my iPhone!

ME: How come?

CUSTOMER: Because I can’t beat Angry Birds and that’s the whole damn reason I bought the phone!

[I saved the sale by beating the level she was stuck on…level 2…in the first world….]

10. CUSTOMER: You look like Tony Danza and Tony Danza wouldn’t charge anyone $200 for no goddamn iPhone!

ME: Well I’m not Tony Danza because over here, I’m the boss. [Insert mic drop.]

I am a writer, video producer, and avid film buff. I've also been pegged by a few as the second coming of the Messiah although I don't believe it. Just to be on the safe side, however, I am willing to accept your prayers and any monetary contributions you are willing to part with. Especially automobiles. Yes, automobiles will suffice.