As I mentioned yesterday, I have mostly found Uber drivers to be an extroverted bunch, many times dolling out conversation beyond the typical topics of local news, weather, and traffic. Yet, as entertaining as I have found most such conversations, there were always a couple that had me raising my eyebrow Roger Moore style.

The master of subtle eyebrow manipulation.

A few days into my trip to Los Angeles, I found myself on an Uber ride across town. The driver was a young, friendly guy aspiring to be, as he put it, a “mechanic to the stars.” I guess he figured that if he couldn’t afford to own an Aston Martin, the next best thing would be to at least work on them and get paid for it. With my own knowledge of cars not progressing much beyond the James Bond movies (although it was enough to notice that almost all L.A. Uber drivers drove an armada of Prii), I was about to change the subject until I was suddenly beaten to it by this question: “So are you excited about the apocalypse?” Momentarily expecting the next sentence out of the Uber driver’s mouth to be, “Because I’m prepared to end it all if you are,” I asked him, “What do you mean exactly?” “It’s this election, man. It’s being controlled by the Devil.”

I have often been told that there are three “forbidden” topics of conversation – sex, politics, and religion (my three favorite talking points). This was shaping up to hit at least two of the three on the head although I’d argue that with as many sex scandals as have been tied to this race, I’d actually hit a trifecta.

“I take it you’re not a fan of the candidates?” I asked, trying to ascertain his political leanings to avoid a heated argument with someone driving me through L.A. traffic. “No, man,” he said, “They’re both demonic spawns of the devil. I’ll tell you man ’cause I know you as a kindred spirit. This election is being controlled by the dead. Their forces are about to engulf our planet.” I couldn’t resist replying, “Well thank god you drive a Prius then. At least our planet will be a little cleaner post-engulfment.” “You said it man!” the driver laughed, “these cars are the only ones that are gonna make it!”

Behold, the Uber apocalypse.

The Uber prophet continued, “But it’s true, man! The signs are all around us. We are all infected, like you know. We’re all idiots. Jesus warned us and no one gave a flying shit.” “Jesus warned us about Election 2016?” I asked, not quite recollecting a Bible passage proclaiming:

“Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. Oh, and lest I forget, bewareth thee thy Election of 2016 AD.'”

“For sure,” the driver went on, “Revelation 2:21 says that a beast will rise out of the sea with seven heads, ten horns, ten crowns, and angry as hell. He will look like a leopard with a lion’s mouth, dragon power, and shit. You know who that is right?” “Trump?” I said. “Exactly,” the driver confirmed, “You’ve seen him, orange like the leopard, fiery like a dragon.” “So I take it you’re voting for Hillary then.” “Nah, man,” the driver groaned, “She’s one of the heads. Have you seen her? We’re all being controlled by the beast. When they’re debating, the devil’s spirits are on that stage controlling the whole damn thing.”

Artist’s rendition of the real debate.

On a side note, I later looked up Revelation 2:21 and discovered that it actually said, “And I gave her space to repent of her fornication; and she repented not.” Clearly, this was all about Hillary Clinton, or so the Uber prophet would have me believe. “So what would you have us do?” I summed up as we arrived at my destination. The driver took a moment contemplating the answer. He finally said, “Damned if I know. We’re all screwed either way. Well we’re here. I hope you have a great day!”

I am a writer, video producer, and avid film buff. I've also been pegged by a few as the second coming of the Messiah although I don't believe it. Just to be on the safe side, however, I am willing to accept your prayers and any monetary contributions you are willing to part with. Especially automobiles. Yes, automobiles will suffice.